Archive for September, 2008

My Car is a Woman


There are how many psychologists in the world? Hundreds of thousands? Millions? We’ll probably never know, but there’s one thing for sure: every one claims there is a relationship between cars and sexuality.

Start with the basic idea that an automobile with a long hood jutting out from approximately the driver’s crotch level must be a penis substitute.

One would expect a mechanical penis to be vibrant, and strong, and ever-so-masculine. That could explain why those wimpy hybrids like the Prius aren’t selling in mass quantity. No one wants his own mechanical penis to look flaccid. I’ve heard it said that failure to recognize the car as a phallic symbol is the fundimental reason the Edsel failed in the market place. Instead of evoking a mental picture of the turgid male member, its grille had a much stronger resemblance to a vagina.
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Sugar and Spice, My Ass!


Yes, this is a relationship column. The relationship question is: Do you really want there to be no secrets between you? Should some things be kept to ourselves?

But first (no pun intended), this trip down memory lane.

Five Christmases ago I purchased an electronic, remote controlled fart machine for my youngest. The women in the family immediately expressed their disgust with the toy. My son and I, and his grandfather too, all had a blast. More accurately we enjoyed a variety of blasts, as we played with the device.

We ran through all of the sounds, rating each on a scale of one to ten. (Fartrogen Dioxide = “1.” Case of Swamp Ass = “10.” )

We compared combinations of sounds for effect. We even speculated as to the most creative uses for the gadget. (“Hide it under the pulpit, and when the preacher runs long, trigger the Triple Ass Flapper.”)
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The Worst Thing to Hear During Sex.


I suspect the Ex’s (She Who’s Name Must Never Be Spoken) favorite saying during the act was “Hurry up and get it over with.” Trust me, there are few things less inspiring. Unless, of course, it’s getting caught saying “I love you Diana” when you’re with Joan.

Has it happened to you? Your partner says something that totally ruins the mood?

Worse yet, have you been the offender?

If only there was a central clearing house for statements guaranteed to spoil the mood.  Then we could simply check to see of a casual comment is acceptable, or not.

So a public service, (and for your reading enjoyment) I’ve compiled a far from comprehensive list of thoughts best left unvoiced.
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Science Explains Sexual Bonding


Don’t'cha just love it when science tells us something we already know?  For instance, there’s a new study among identical twins that indicates the presence of a specific gene can predict how good of a husband a guy is likely to be.

In an article titled “Bonding Gene Could Help Men Stay Married ,” Hasse Walum, of the department of medical epidemiology and biostatistics at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm admitted that he had been studying rodents (voles) when he first determined that bonding among males was worth studying in humans, too.

Studies in voles have shown that the hormone vasopressin is released in the brain of males during mating ,” Walum explained. “Vasopressin activates the brain’s reward system, and you could say that mating-induced vasopressin release motivates male voles to interact with females they have mated with .”

Walum continues: “This is not a sexual motivation, but rather a sort of prolonged social motivation.” In other words, the more vasopressin in the brain, the more male voles want to stick around and mingle with the female after copulation is through. This effect “is more pronounced in the monogamous voles,” Walum noted.

I think they’re missing the point.
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