Hooray, Hooray! The first of May!

BLUESGUY:

It’s the beginning of the outdoor sex season. Think of it as a bonding rite. A celebration of oneness with nature. (And rumor has it that women love to be whisked away to exotic locations).

Birds do it. Bees do it. Nearly every other species does it outdoors. Why should we not ignore caution and just join in? Two reasons.

First, it’s illegal in many jurisdictions.

Second, planning not to get caught is half the fun.


So, let’s get practical.

No matter which location you choose, dress for the occasion. Ladies, choose a skirt. Gentlemen, loose trousers. And there’s no sense in allowing an extra barrier, so commando is a must.

Study the foliage. Boinking in stinging nettles can only be made more painful by exposing your gender specific bits to poison ivy. Bring a blanket for comfort (and perhaps concealment). And while your goodies are exposed, watch for mosquitoes. Be careful with the application of repellent, and use lotion (hey, make it part of foreplay) so the odd breeze doesn’t blow the aerosol application into your own tender vegetation.

Most native grasses look soft, but the blades can be sharp as tiny knives. Remember that bears and cows relieve themselves in the grass. Nothing will kill the mood faster than discovering you’re sitting in poo.

Try not to choose places guarded by dogs.

Going to avoid the tall grasses and trees by hitting the beach? Remember, sand gets in EVERYTHING. It also abrades tissue like… well… sandpaper. And slipping into the cool water in hopes of being less obvious? I have only one word: shrinkage.

Maybe you’d be better off inside the city limits. How about a park? This could be extra exciting because there’s extra danger of getting caught. Check out your site for possible problems, and plan an emergency escape route.

Darkness is our friend.

Most people who are caught in the act tried it in daylight. After dark, the biggest problem will be sound. Ladies… hush. You’d be amazed at how well sound carries in the dark.

Moaning is distinct at 20 yards, and clearly audible at double that distance. 50 yards? It’s known as the “Meg Ryan” zone. At roughly 100 yards (the length of a football field) you’ll be safe for normal sounds of passion, but not if the lady is a screamer, or her gentleman does a Tarzan yell at the moment of ecstasy. Sound carries dramatically in the wind, and with any change in the wind direction these guidelines may no longer be valid.

And speaking of football, shy away from any space that contains a scoreboard.

Also, being observed by someone who interprets shrieking as non-consensual will inevitably attract the gendarmes.

The legal issues.

Indecent acts are subject to interpretation by the local constabulary, but keep in mind that sodomy is illegal in ten states. Getting busted al fresco could be embarrassing, but having five minutes of your oral exams witnessed could lead to ten years, with good behavior.

It only makes sense to avoid hunting season. And remember bears are attracted to grunting noises.

Clean up after yourself.

Don’t leave your post-coital mess. Do not bury used contraceptives. Do not throw them into the water. Wild animals will dig them up, and our water sources are polluted enough. Take ‘em with you. A zip lock bag with a wet cloth for cleanup, and another for carrying out your disposables is only good planning.

Final thought:

You don’t even need an exotic locale. Under the cover of darkness, the back yard or front deck can be very exciting.

Good luck. Let us know when you’ve found a good place.
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