National Underwear Day


Today is National Underwear Day. Which immediately prompts the question, do you wear any?

Not wearing drawers is usually referred to as “going commando,” a reference to an old military custom of free balling while in uniform.

But, soldiers have a solid, practical reason.

Standard issue military underwear is made of cotton, which soaks up sweat and holds it like SpongeBob on steroids. Carry a backpack for a few kilometers of jungle, or desert while walking in sweat soaked underthings and your crotch gets rubbed raw.

I suspect this results in reduced enthusiasm for fighting.

A bevy of young ladies interviewed by the New York Post for National Underwear Day opined they were more comfortable when they were able to let their nether regions breathe. They also claimed that it was one less thing to think about when getting dressed.

Ladies, I’m all for keeping it simple. Women normally over think these things. Men simply look for things to eat, and things to blow up. Women seem compelled to find the number of fat grams are in each bag of Dorritos, and to obsess over exactly the right frillies to wear on a first date. But, I digress.

Besides, I suspect any truly patriotic woman would be proud to send her panties to the U.S. Military forces in the Mid-East to use in prisoner interrogation. Just think, your panties could actually be contributing to torture by forcing a terrorist to wear them on his head. Of course, those same panties on the head of a fraternity pledge would either be considered a hazing prank, or one hell of a fine party. But, again, I digress.

Not wearing panties is naughty. It’s exciting. It hints of availability and implies a willingness to participate in some serious, hard-core flirting.

Remember Sharon Stone bringing a whole room full of detectives to silence simply by uncrossing her ladylike legs in a decidedly unladylike fashion? In interviews, she’s said that she doesn’t wear panties off camera, either.

But back to the topic. Today is National Underwear Day. I think the only reasonable decision is to celebrate panties in their absence. Leave your drawers in the drawer today… and tomorrow… and I’ll volunteer, too. We’ll go commando together.

You can’t take on the world without a buddy to watch your backside. I hereby agree to watch yours.

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