Sugar and Spice, My Ass!


Yes, this is a relationship column. The relationship question is: Do you really want there to be no secrets between you? Should some things be kept to ourselves?

But first (no pun intended), this trip down memory lane.

Five Christmases ago I purchased an electronic, remote controlled fart machine for my youngest. The women in the family immediately expressed their disgust with the toy. My son and I, and his grandfather too, all had a blast. More accurately we enjoyed a variety of blasts, as we played with the device.

We ran through all of the sounds, rating each on a scale of one to ten. (Fartrogen Dioxide = “1.” Case of Swamp Ass = “10.” )

We compared combinations of sounds for effect. We even speculated as to the most creative uses for the gadget. (“Hide it under the pulpit, and when the preacher runs long, trigger the Triple Ass Flapper.”)

But the ladies were appalled. Even an artificial Backblast appears to be unacceptable to the fair sex.

I’ve given this some thought, and believe I know why women are so reluctant to Effluviate. And no, it has nothing to do with their more refined senses of humor.

It’s science.

Men and women produce equivalent amounts of stench molecules in the form of odor-causing gases, but men’s have larger volume of those gases. So, though a man’s Butt Yodeling may indeed be louder and more pronounced, a woman’s more concentrated Tush Tickler is much more likely to be… uh, what’s the word? Stinky? Stenchful? Enough to gag a dog off a gut wagon?

Whatever you call it, take one whiff and all those fairy tale “sugar and spice” images are long gone. (Side note, ladies: Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing raunchy smells, whereas beans produce large amounts of loud, but not particularly stinky, Rectal Honks.)

Men tend to go for volume in both senses of the word. Women pretend they would never do such a thing.

Women also don’t seem to find the Three Stooges funny. I suspect this is not a co-incidence.

Truthfully, if you felt the need to create Sphincturbulence, would you want to be known for the energetic crafting of somewhat amusing Rump Ripper noises, or for the Silent Stench of Death that sneaks up to do damage without any audible warning to run for your life?

I rest my case.

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