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Topic: Last few months of my life  (Read 6025 times)
enoughalready
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« Reply #30 on: October 19, 2009, 11:59:50 AM »

Quote
I often wonder how long before I will act and react like normal people.

Sometimes, all it takes is a decision.

I've noticed that people who act like victims can invite those who have never victimized anyone to try it out.  I think that jumpy people can often get on other people's nerves and cause people to act out against them.  Some victims do, in ways that either aren't understood or aren't talked about, get people to treat them like victims because that's how the interact with the world.

Speaking of dogs, there are dogs who will go after someone who will jump when they bark, or who will turn and run away.  But if you stand your ground and behave without resonding to fear, the dog is reassured.  I don't think people are all that different.

So be careful with that, huh?  If I were you, I'd figure out how to get beyond that jumpiness right away.  It's bound to influence other behaviors.

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Rowanthe
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« Reply #31 on: October 19, 2009, 12:05:14 PM »

We had a good weekend.  He started his new job today.  He called and said he really liked it so far.  Which is great, considering that he hated what he was doing before.  Maybe with a job he likes, and feels good about, his whole outlook will change.  I can't help but think that a man's idenity and self esteem is tied up with how good he feels about himself.  And how good he feels about himself, is tied up in how good he feels about his job, and the amount of money he makes. 

I have never said on here, but guys, he was only making $15.00 an hour.  He was used to making over twice that.   His paycheck wasn't enough to even cover his share of the bills.  That had to make him feel terrible.  Plus, he was always the boss, and there he was just a peon, with no hope of advancement.  Hopefully this will make a big difference in the way he feels about alot of things.  He's back to doing what he loves, and he gets paid well for it.   He told me that they would definitely be here for at least  3 more months, maybe longer.

I don't believe the saying that you can "live on love"   We tried it, it doesn't work.. Smiley

Maybe this will.

Jill, I totally get what you mean--I tried living just on love once, and it will only take you so far.  Even with C, I think our relationship would be entirely different and possibly less positive if he were making half or a quarter of what he is making now.  The stress from that kind of financial disparity is enormous, and I think it takes a lot of years of things being really GOOD to be able to deal with that as a cohesive team instead of just falling apart under the pressure. 

This actually ties entirely in to the comment I made about my sister still being with her husband--but I'm going to start another thread about that, let's call it "Financial control and how it ties into relationship behaviour." 
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« Reply #32 on: October 27, 2009, 10:08:44 AM »

Jill, I know what you mean about the whole money thing. I wish I made more money because most of our expenses are due to my debt and I wasn’t able to pay by own bills. A feels bad cuz he feels he can’t provide for me cuz he isn’t making enough money. I feel horrible because last summer he had a good job, one he liked, and one that paid well (though I don’t think I knew how well til later). He left that job to move down to Lethbridge with me. Since then money has always been tight and he hasn’t really had a job he’s liked. Moving back here and started back with the shipping at Trans4 helped, but now he’s losing that.   I think it’ll be good for him to take this job and be away for a while. I think it will be good for you to have some time away from him where you can try to sort out how you feel not having you. If this is going to work, he needs to trust you. He isn’t going to be around much and is either gonna have to trust you or go crazy wondering what you’re doing. To me, I see 2 choices. 1 break it off, have his stuff put in storage and leave it be. If when he comes back there’s still a spark fine, but for now move on. 2 stay together, but he needs to unpack his stuff and actually live there 100% til he goes off for work. He, and you, need to be in it 100% and trust each other. If there’s no trust or respect for each others privacy, then you really don’t have much for a solid long term relationship. Ultimately it’s a decision the 2 of you have to make, but either way something needs to change. He can’t keep getting upset every time you talk to your ex, especially because you still have stocks together, you HAVE to have some contact with him. You’re doing your part by not keeping it from him when he asks, maybe even try to go one step further and tell him when you do have a conversation with your ex and what came out of it. I do hope things work out one way or another, and I hope him having this better job opportunity will help him feel better about himself as well. 
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jillpill
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« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2009, 11:11:05 AM »

Thanks Icy.   I hope everything works out for you too!
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enoughalready
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« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2009, 11:52:33 AM »

Quote
Jill, I totally get what you mean--I tried living just on love once, and it will only take you so far.  Even with C, I think our relationship would be entirely different and possibly less positive if he were making half or a quarter of what he is making now.  The stress from that kind of financial disparity is enormous, and I think it takes a lot of years of things being really GOOD to be able to deal with that as a cohesive team instead of just falling apart under the pressure.

My ex and I got along a lot better when we were poor, actually.  I mean dirt poor.  She had no idea how to use money wisely and I did, so we had a decent life.  We did all kinds of fun things to get things that we couldn't afford, like, we basically had season passes to the opera by listening to the radio and calling in for the giveaway tickets.  They'd ask for the 9th caller and I'd call her to make sure she was paying attention, and then we'd both call at the same time.  If we didn't get the tickets, we'd tell each other which caller we were, like, "I was caller 2, 4, and 5!" and she'd be like, "I was caller 1, 3, and 10!" and it was still fun.  Plus, we knew in another couple of hours, we'd get another chance.  We went to the opera, the symphony and all kinds of other events for free, and free dinners, too.  It was a lot of fun.  When you couldn't afford anything at all but still were able to pull together like that, it was great.  I still miss it.

But then, we started making money and all the fun was gone.  Life became all about work and paying back debts and then buying really expensive things that we couldn't afford in order to compensate for years of poverty.  That was her bag, anyway.  Her inability to manage money became a big problem once she had control over it.  And, once she got some, all she wanted was more, more, more. 

I really enjoyed being poor, actually.  Sure, it wouldn't have been good forever, but, and there was a lot of stress, but when you got the free opera tickets, or the free symphony tickets, or the fancy dinner for two at one of the best restaurants in the world because the two of you planned for days to call the radio station, sometimes even setting an alarm for 4am when you knew they'd be giving tickets away when nobody else was listening.  That was FUN!!!!!!!

It was victory.

Having money, well, you know, it pays the bills.  But if you don't have a plan, or the plan that you had just gets tossed away and you start burning it all, that's no good.  That's really popular in the US, by the way.  I don't know about Canada, but the average person in the US just puts it all on plastic and doesn't save anything.  It's one of the main reasons I think that most people around me seem like grumpy jerks.
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Rowanthe
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« Reply #35 on: October 27, 2009, 12:12:28 PM »

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Jill, I totally get what you mean--I tried living just on love once, and it will only take you so far.  Even with C, I think our relationship would be entirely different and possibly less positive if he were making half or a quarter of what he is making now.  The stress from that kind of financial disparity is enormous, and I think it takes a lot of years of things being really GOOD to be able to deal with that as a cohesive team instead of just falling apart under the pressure.

My ex and I got along a lot better when we were poor, actually.  I mean dirt poor.  She had no idea how to use money wisely and I did, so we had a decent life.  We did all kinds of fun things to get things that we couldn't afford, like, we basically had season passes to the opera by listening to the radio and calling in for the giveaway tickets.  They'd ask for the 9th caller and I'd call her to make sure she was paying attention, and then we'd both call at the same time.  If we didn't get the tickets, we'd tell each other which caller we were, like, "I was caller 2, 4, and 5!" and she'd be like, "I was caller 1, 3, and 10!" and it was still fun.  Plus, we knew in another couple of hours, we'd get another chance.  We went to the opera, the symphony and all kinds of other events for free, and free dinners, too.  It was a lot of fun.  When you couldn't afford anything at all but still were able to pull together like that, it was great.  I still miss it.

But then, we started making money and all the fun was gone.  Life became all about work and paying back debts and then buying really expensive things that we couldn't afford in order to compensate for years of poverty.  That was her bag, anyway.  Her inability to manage money became a big problem once she had control over it.  And, once she got some, all she wanted was more, more, more. 

I really enjoyed being poor, actually.  Sure, it wouldn't have been good forever, but, and there was a lot of stress, but when you got the free opera tickets, or the free symphony tickets, or the fancy dinner for two at one of the best restaurants in the world because the two of you planned for days to call the radio station, sometimes even setting an alarm for 4am when you knew they'd be giving tickets away when nobody else was listening.  That was FUN!!!!!!!

It was victory.

Having money, well, you know, it pays the bills.  But if you don't have a plan, or the plan that you had just gets tossed away and you start burning it all, that's no good.  That's really popular in the US, by the way.  I don't know about Canada, but the average person in the US just puts it all on plastic and doesn't save anything.  It's one of the main reasons I think that most people around me seem like grumpy jerks.

Oh for sure, and I wouldn't say that we make a huge amount of money--but we don't use credit cards, we don't do things we can't afford (well, Europe was an exception) and we try to live within our means---but I think it's really hard when you're in a relationship and carrying the majority of the financial responsibility, no matter what level you're living at--and I think that's made even harder when the person you're with doesn't understand that burden. 
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« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2009, 03:01:52 PM »

I agree there was a time that I was poor and they were some of the happiest times of my life. 

But at this stage of the game, L and I both feel that there really isn't alot of time left to be just getting by.   We both want to retire someday, and saving every month is a priorty. 

But yea, I remember back when Love was enough, it would get you through. 

Now it just gets frustrating to go backwards not forwards.
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« Reply #37 on: October 27, 2009, 04:06:51 PM »

I agree there was a time that I was poor and they were some of the happiest times of my life. 

But at this stage of the game, L and I both feel that there really isn't alot of time left to be just getting by.   We both want to retire someday, and saving every month is a priorty. 

But yea, I remember back when Love was enough, it would get you through. 

Now it just gets frustrating to go backwards not forwards.

I feel the same. I wrote elsewhere that my ex is a financial planner/tax preparer. He could take a big paper bag filled with bits an pieces of paper and hand the client back a tax return but he was totally incompetent with his (our) money. After 25 years, I could hardly stand that there never seemed to be any money in our joint accounts and as I said before, I always kept as much cash hidden away for the day when I felt I had no choice but to run.

He disagreed with my investing in real estate. There was a time when I owned 5 rental alone plus two that I owned in partnership with a good friend.

Ironically we both ended up selling every single rental just to keep our own households above water.  My ex gloated that I had to sell everything because of his health.

I just can't live like that anymore. I have some really strong fears of abandonment and I need to know that I will always be financially secure.

Interestingly, since being with GF, I have not felt the need to hide cash from him. I really have not thought about that until just now.
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