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Topic: The one issue that is starting to annoy me . . .  (Read 15845 times)
jillpill
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« Reply #90 on: June 29, 2010, 02:13:16 PM »

We all do what we have to do in our own time.  I can't judge, I have been the queen of waffeling, and not being able to decide whether to stay or go.   I stayed because I thought with time, it would get better.

In my case when the good was good, it was soooo good.  But when the bad was bad it was a nightmare.  Very dysfunctional.  I got caught up in it.  Don't wait two years and do that.  I have found that the really good doesn't make up for the really bad, dysfunctional, insecure things that he says and does.  He's a good person, i'm sure that "The one" is too.  They just don't have what it takes to have a normal, secure relationship. 

"the ones" insecurities will pop up again, and I predict it will be soon.  She will repeat all her bad behaviour.  It's just a never ending cycle.   You'll see.
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DoubleD
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« Reply #91 on: June 29, 2010, 03:56:21 PM »

Do whatever you feel like, EA.  I'm no judge.  Go ahead, stick around awhile longer, enjoy the show, enjoy the sex.

However, I feel much, much better now that you've taken marriage off the table.  Boy, for awhile there, I thought you were a goner.   Kiss  If she starts bringing marriage up again, I would suggest you put the kabosh on that ASAP.... just be frank and tell her you won't be discussing that for the next several months.  (Good thing she never got that wedding planner after all!)

Oh yeah, she also said that me going so cold on her made her feel emotionally the same as it would have if I'd beaten her. 

But I said there's no way she could feel the same way because A) beaten women have a tendency to feel completely absolved of any responsibility of any behavior they may have engaged in that could have arguably precipitated a violent man to deliver a beating and B) she'd be able to call the cops on me and have me thrown in jail and C) she could now move on to the next relationsnip feeling emotionally squeaky clean since, obviously, the overwhelming physical evidence was that the guy she was with was a violent type.

Excellent response, EA.  She should know better by now that she can't beat you at your own game.  It's really alarming that she would use such a tactic to guilt you into feeling sorry FOR HER.  Matter of fact, as a woman, I'm taking personal offense for all the DV victims out there.


Just truly, genuinely psychotic. Yowzers. 
« Last Edit: June 29, 2010, 03:59:14 PM by DoubleD » Logged

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« Reply #92 on: June 29, 2010, 04:00:37 PM »

Quote
Matter of fact, as a woman, I'm taking personal offense to that!
Me too! 

EA, you obviously will be able to rationalize whatever decision you make but I'll tell ya, if this works out to "happily ever after" I will eat my own shorts. 
What's that great song from the 90s?  "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts..."  She's doing it to herself, you're doing it to YOURself, and I hope you especially escape without lasting damage. 
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EnoughAlready
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« Reply #93 on: June 29, 2010, 04:05:53 PM »

I know.  I know.  The funny thing is, in the past, I thought I'd stayed because of the sex, but in this case, it's not even the sex.  The sex is a solid okay.  It isn't mind blowing.  It isn't even crazy good.  But I do think that part of the reason she acts the way she does when she does is because she thinks she's all that.  You know, I got the pussy, and now I'm hers.  

Maybe the sex would be mind blowing if I weren't so jaded underneath, but I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to sex as we all know and unless I feel like I can really trust her, the sex will remain a solid pretty good, but not frigging awesome.  I have to say that I don't crave sex with her like I have with other women.  But I haven't craved sex with anyone in a long time, so it could just be that I've changed.

Maybe I'm just older now, and wiser, and I keep my guard up a lot of times, or, maybe this isn't quite the right fit.

Why have I decided to give her another chance?  I don't know.  She just looks so damned good on paper, I think, is the main reason.  She's accomplished, smart, funny when she wants to be, sweet when she wants to be, she's even hysterical and unique in a lot of ways.

She's got no kids, a job that makes her happy, her parents are both alive and in good health, she has family.  She works out, keeps herself healthy, is attractive and well read.  She great at conversation, she's 95% of the time pleasant and even charming.  She's normally got a great sense of humor and laughs a lot.

Without her tantrums, she'd be absolutely perfect and I'm convinced that the sex would be better, too.

But the insecurities drive me up the wall.  

So, I'm going to enter a little exercise just in an effort to see what it could be like for her to date me through her eyes, because I'm not going to pretend for a minute that I'm perfect and entitled to sit in judgment of her.

1. I'm stubborn;
2. I don't like to admit when I'm wrong;
3. I have a hard time reaching out if I feel like I'm being criticized;
4. I like to maintain my independence;
5. I'm deathly afraid of doing anything that might be construed as the actions of an "enabler," in other words, I'm afraid of being a pussy;
6. I can get lost in my own head and expect someone to remember that I told them that I thought they were pretty a few days ago, so why should I have to do it again?  Not that I'm against it, but sometimes, it doesn't occur to me;
7. Frustratingly, for others, I usually am right about most everything.  Whether it's a factual detail, a theory, a fact, word use, pronunciation and even etymology or obscure trivia, I can usually find errors in almost anything anyone else says or does--not that I'll take it upon myself to tell them about it, but, still . . . ;
8. I have a busy schedule with my two bands and related events that can be hard to work around;
9. I am really very happy all by myself and project that I don't need anyone in my life to make me happy;
10. I have almost perpetual poker face, not that I'm not emotional, but years of Catholic school trained me not to show anything or else you'd be giving a nun an in to call you out; this can make it difficult for people to read me;
11. I'm not much of a planner; I like to go spontaneously and have never kept a planner in my life; this can make it difficult for people who like to plan because not only am I not much of a planner, I can be resistant to plan-making; I think this comes from being on the lowest end of a large family and making plans and getting your heart set on something always sort of ended up in heartbreak when the plans were dashed because parents were too tired or older siblings, who had seniority, always took precedence.  I don't really do anything until it's clear that it's really going to happen--like the same day.  Planning, even, makes me anxious--which is the opposite of what it does for most people.  Most people have anxiety and planning relieves some of it.  Not having a plan at all makes me feel peaceful and unrushed;
12. If I'm having a good time, or if I'm intensely busy, I don't like to be bothered by having to quit what I'm doing.  Sure, this is pretty normal, I guess, but I really don't like to be bothered.  I'll get bitchy;
13. I like to have a lot of downtime.  I wouldn't say that I'm lazy, but I do like times where I'm doing nothing at all.  I'm a big fan of naps for no reason;
14. I tend to think that I always have the best opinion.  This can make me seem like a real ass when the purpose of talking with people is to build bridges and listen--not figure out where people are flawed in their thinking.  See No. 7;
15. I have an outrageous sense of humor that can be biting and trample boundaries, like the massage comment.  Even though I know it's wrong, I think the ability to make people laugh trumps!  It's sort of like I'm simply results oriented. The inquiry goes, "Was it funny?"  Yes.  Then it's okay.  But sometimes I can hurt people with it.  Oh well . . . I can just assert my superior opinion that diagnoses them as having no sense of humor.  See what I mean?
16. I make a lot of comments.  This can wear people around me down;
17. I like to consider my feelings first before considering other people's feelings.  Unusual?  I don't think so.  But it is what it is;
18. I can turn cold quickly out of self-defense, disgust or contempt, and I can usually turn only on people who are very close to me--okay, girlfriends.  I don't usually turn cold on anyone else because I don't like how it feels.  But sometimes, with girlfriends, I just can't take their shit.  No one else gives me shit like a girlfriend does because no one else is that close to me;
19. If I'm feeling uncomfortable, I can be very cutting with ribald or sarcastic or even sardonic comments that really are meant to sandblast a person to the bone and I'm good at it.  I don't even try.  Sometimes, it just happens before I even know it;
20. I can tune out really easily, particularly if I think the person around me is just trying to get attention from me, particularly negative attention.  I suppose this makes me uncharitable, but again, referring back to No. 7, why can't a person who wants some attention just give a hug first?  It's what I do.  Yelling or being bitchy is not a great way to engineer getting a hug out of me.  It's a great way to get yelled at or getting a cold shoulder.  If some people were smarter, they'd figure this out.  I'm always up for a hug, though.

Whatever.

I don't really feel like I'm that weird after all.  I thought that maybe for a moment I could be driving her crazy, but now I just think that she's trying to find a chink in the armor so that she doesn't have to feel like it's all her fault that this is going in the toilet, but, well, she did say last night that it was all her fault and, well, I tended to agree.  The only thing that makes me think that it might not be is that this is the third time I've had someone in a long term relationship feel in some debilitating way that they weren't good enough for me when I thought they were.  Okay, the first two I thought were good enough for me, except that they quit having sex.  This one, I'm not so sure that she's good enough for me, even though the sex is good enough.  But, it has only been two months.  All of my relationships were still good in the sex department at two months . . .
« Last Edit: June 29, 2010, 04:15:19 PM by EnoughAlready » Logged
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