I know.  Those were some weird fights/disagreements.  But, honestly, she has worked very hard at figuriing out what's going on when she does that.  I think she's figured out that if she treats me like she treats her dad that I'm going to behave towards her the way her dad did/does.  It's complicated, but so common . . .

Also, though, what's the fear of KB making her intentions known?  Is it the old stereotype that a woman is supposed to wait patiently for her man to suddenly read her mind?

#1- What can you gain from being married to this man, that you don't have as a loving couple?
Well, we would live together on a daily basis first of all. I think that would make a huge difference in our 'individual' lives. Obviously. This really is a great questoin DD, and I have to think deeper on it.

#2- What are the legal benefits/disincentives for being married?
Health Insurance is major. Right now I carry an individual policy for me and dd. Being added to his package would be alot less expensive with more coverage...including pregnancy/birth. Something I don't have as a rider right now. I'm sure there's tax incentives as well.

#3- Could merely living together and building a home bring you more satisfaction in the relationship?
Possibly. Although after being duped the first time and fucking up my credit and financials, I'm not sure I'm willing to take that risk. It's taken me 5 years to fix the damage that was done in half that time. 

#4-  Do you imagine you will feel more "secure" (ie financially, emotionally, physically) if you were married?
Yes. Most certainly. Definately more secure. I think having him as a committed life partner would end alot of fears I have.

Also, though, what's the fear of KB making her intentions known?  Is it the old stereotype that a woman is supposed to wait patiently for her man to suddenly read her mind?

I've made my intentions known years ago. I wouldn't be in this relationship if there were no permanent future together. This was discussed during our 1st year together.

My post keeps bumping down and I can't read what I'm writing.....

Oh blah....I need to think. I'll get back to ya.

Yeah, before KB answered, I was going to say that her "intentions" have been know for quite sometime.  As a matter of fact, it's probably safe to say that when a woman (well, most) tells you she loves you, she intends to marry you.  All men know this, EA, and they're leery of it.

The stereotype you're hinting at is what I brought up before.  None of us want to be the old "ball and chain".  (That implies slavery, BTW, and that's just icky.)   My point is, that clearly women are much more concerned with commitment and marriage than men are (don't argue with me, EA, it is what it is).  I just don't know WHY that is, it seems unfair.

The good news is:  We can now provide for ourselves!  

Every time this comes up, I think and worry about where you are as opposed to where he is. If I remember right, you have asked him outright, what is it he wants. Am I right? And, even if you haven't, surely it has come up in the past.  You cannot have been together for five years and not talked about the next thirty.

So? What has he said?


EA, why do you say things like this?

Never mind. I'm not selfish, my butt has gotten bigger in the last three years and the only thing that makes me really angry is idiotic blanket statements about "all women" or "all men".

Be that as it may, the one thing you can be sure of, whether its your girlfriend or kelly's guy, what ever it is that makes you nuts now will most certainly get bigger and worser as times goes by. You can bet the ranch on that.

Well, that sucked.

Need I say more?

Sat. I got talked into going to the state fair and taking dd with.  I told dd, the fair is just not about rides, there's more to do there than rides and I will not be sucked down by the rides all night.  She can go on 2 - that's it. 

So what happens?  We go to get tickets for 2 rides, and she ends up getting a wristband.  HELLO!?  What the fuck.  So now we're stuck down by the rides for HOURS.  I was so pissed, I couldn't even talk to the man or to the kid.  If that would have happened with anyone elses kid, I would have left...but I can't very well leave when it's my own kid...KWIM?

We had a bunch of friends there too I wanted to hook up with and chat with for awhile. But no.  We weren't even going to stay after dark - we got home at 10pm.  I'm still pist.

Yesterday - the man slept all day.  Then we went out to dinner.  Got home.  No sex.  He'd rather watch "Airwolf" have you seen that bad 80's show! OMG!  I rolled over and went to sleep.  I'm so not a happy mamma right now. I told him I'd see him next weekend, Sat. his sister is having a cookout and we take the camper over to hook up and the kids spend the night.  After that - I think I'm calling for a break.

Ooh, I think you're just frustrated now KB.  Let your emotions simmer down.  See what he has to say later today/tomorrow.  I take it he knows you're irritated right now?

I'm sorry your weekend went so badly KB.  

Are you serious?  You really want a break?  If  you do, it will definitely let the man know that you are not happy with the way things are.  

Sorry KB,  it sucks, I know...

It's funny, it sort of decided itself.  Visa wise it wasn't a huge bonus to be married (it's always a "bonus" but Canada has a common-law sponsorship for partners as well so we could have gone that route).  Relationship wise we weren't going to be any more or less stable if we were married or not.  I think it was him realizing that he WANTED to marry me that sparked the whirlwind, really.  I knew quite a bit earlier in the relationship that I would happily marry him, but also knew that he didn't really "believe" in marriage--his parents split up when he was really young and though he denies that has influenced his mindset, I call bullshit--and reasoned that I would certainly not be happy pushing him into a union he didn't believe in or feel necessary--or even want. 

When we were in Europe and my friend Crystal was talking about eloping to Gibraltar, she slyly looked over at us and said "while you're here, you should elope--ha ha ha wink wink nudge nudge."  We laughed it off and were like "sure, we'll get on that first thing tomorrow."  The next morning while we were walking around Madrid he looked at me and said "so...how about we go to Gibraltar?" I thought he was joking.  Ha ha. 

It didn't end up happening because he didn't have his birth certificate...but later the same day he told me that he didn't believe in marriage, but he believed in marriage with ME.  So we started talking about it more and more, made some tentative plans, and then when we finally booked the hall and date he asked me on the tram on the way home--with a ring he had his Mum send from Australia.  So he'd been thinking about it for a while, maybe even before our trip. 

It was organic, and I had to work really hard to not push, hint, or finagle my way into a proposal.  I never would have felt right about it if I had. 

KB, take your time.  Try hard not to make this the thing that becomes a bitterness between you.  Be open about what you want and desire, but be open to his fears and qualms as well.  They might come from someplace deep and long-standing, and those things don't change easily. 

KellyBean,

That really sucks.  

I'm starting to think this man is an idiot.... does he really think he can keep a sexy, fun, smart girl like you and treat you like this?

I think you should give him fair warning that he better get his shit together.  And remind him (in a blow job sort of way) that he will never, EVER, find another woman as super sexy, loving as you.

LMFAO!

Oh THATS FUNNY!!!

I just had coffee shoot out!

I'll work on that!   

Why don't you just talk to him?  And really talk to him.  Talking to him is not about pushing, hinting or cajoling.  It's about talking to him.

Yeah, I'm curious, too.  What is the language he uses with you when the topic comes up?  Has he ever given you any good reasons why you should wait?

You mean ...talk again.

I'm sick of talking...I want action.  "Man up" or "move on".  That's how I feel right now. 

I could be a very happy single woman.  I have a beautiful daughter, a reliable job, a bitchin truck...and I'd get my Harley that much sooner.
Although...I wouldn't be able to satisfy my craving for cock....but I'm sure with enough time, I'd be fine with that too.

So my question to myself is:  "What are you waiting for?"  "Stop holding your breath and breathe"

I do remember saying to myself that August was kind of a deadline for me...did I say that outloud here? 
It's the 17th already...I see nothing from now until the 31st.

I suppose I could give sell my Farm-Aid ticket...that's the latest plan we've made, that would take me to Oct. 2nd.

You're playing the event game?  Is that the game you play where you decide that you can't break up with someone if you've got an event planned in the future?  Or am I getting that wrong?


Are you kidding?  We've seen the photos of you.  I'm not saying anything except that you'd have no problem satisfying your needs for the physical.  I suspect that your needs for the emotional are a lot harder to satisfy and that's what's scary.

No one's telling you to dump the bum.  That advice is too simple and is way more difficult to implement most of the time; it's just not realistic.  But, you certainly should be prepared to do it.  On the other hand, before you get that far, you should be really clear with yourself what your feelings are, what you'll stand for and what you won't.  The way to go about life might be to make him choose to marry you or go his own way.  Don't be afraid to get tough, either.  Don't be afraid to break up to make your point.  Sometimes, getting what you want isn't always easy.  But you have to be sure that you are willing to risk it.

One thing is for sure: if you don't do anything, nothing will happen.  It's been five years.  He's long past "manning up."  You'd be doing him a favor to marry him, really, and that's the truth.  Maybe you ought to just start planning the wedding and ask him to help out.  Just come up with a date that you want to be married, some time next June or July, and make it a decided fact.  Give him time to get you a ring--go ring shopping, and just get it done.  Git 'er done!