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Topic: Putting my foot down ...  (Read 3127 times)
pesto
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« on: October 21, 2010, 10:32:37 AM »

... with a firm hand  Grin

Seriously.  I've had a text from him with loads of chit chat the other night which I ignored.  Then I had a text from him the next day before I had made any reply asking me if I wanted to join the local dry ski slope with him as if we pretend to be partners living at the same address it's really cheap (prefixed by "i know I shouldn't say this but ...".  Then he text to say he'd accidentally signed us up to go to a drinks evening at the gym.  Well, when I say accidentally I mean - he was rushing into a class, asked if we were going (to him) and he said maybe and then realised they'd put us down - but didn't correct them.

I knew he'd not "got it".  Here is evidence.  I'm off to collect another carful of stuff and have a chat with him along the lines of "Pack it in".  I don't know if he even realises what he is doing (carrot dangling).  I'm not saying that as an excuse.  It's pure selfishness and laziness to not think about how it might affect another person.

I'm not going to have anger simmering between us or a spat.  I've got enough to deal with without more drama.  I particularly don't want any rage simmering inside me, I only need enough to be assertive not angry (where I am at).  But he's about to get clear boundaries set.

I've also been and quietly taken our names off the list for drinks tonight and explained to them why.  The guy I spoke with there will let the others no, so we won't have that situation occur again.

I had a good old weep the other night on the phone to my mum, and a good nights sleep last night (damn cough virus) and it's done me the world of good!
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When I use a word, it means exactly what I want it to mean - neither more, nor less. (Lewis Carrol)
BethG
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« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2010, 10:42:42 AM »

Pesto, this is what we've been warning of.....it's just so comfortable for him to try to go back to how things were.  BUT...this is not what you need in life.  You need that I-Love-You and committment.    Good job trying to keep him a bay.  You're a strong woman!
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DoubleD
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« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2010, 10:48:22 AM »

pesto, if it *feels* like you're getting dicked around, then you probably *are*. 

My advice:  Go and collect ALL of  your things from him today and inform him you need a communication break for your own mental health.

You are holding it together really well, but I'm just waiting until the anger snaps.  If after two years he decides he doesn't want you as a partner/lover... then he gets NOTHING!  NO-THING!

'Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.'*

*Can't tell me this doesn't apply to you, too!   Wink
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EnoughAlready
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« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2010, 11:14:39 AM »

Don't fall for it.  Seems like you aren't falling for it.  He can't make up his mind and is either just trying to set up booty calls or he's lonely and can't be alone.  Either way, he's made up his mind about how he's going to treat you, so if he's lonely and wants companionship and you don't feel like obliging, then that's his tough luck.

But manipulating you and situations like that is unacceptable. 
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kellybean
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« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2010, 11:54:15 AM »

*tsk tsk tsk*

You've handled yourself well my friend.
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If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.
EnoughAlready
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« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2010, 02:05:30 PM »

Is that a poke in the ribs at me, kb?

Well, of course, I don't see any parallels at all.  The One is after commitment like stink on sh!t.  From The One's perspective, I might come off like J, actually.
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pesto
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« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2010, 03:52:25 PM »

EA I don't think it was a dig at you - I just read it that she was tutting J.

I don't do anger snaps.  Trust me.  This is not the first time I have had my heart broken or been through breakups.  I'm pretty expert.  I also know exactly how I get over someone and I know I am very good at it.  The only exception is my good friend P who I "got over" at 15 and then had all those feelings for a couple years ago - but that was caused by a confusion over him having such a hard time and how to comfort him I think.  However, my family know me as being very strong at "getting over" someone.  I do it and I move on and I am perfectly capable of staying friends. 

Of course I have some angry feelings but there is really no point in letting it fester or hang around once it's served its purpose.  Anger can be healthy if it gets things done.  Also, I'm a slow burn.  If I do anger it will be in a few months time, most likely. 

I went round there tonight.  I collected a carful of stuff.  And we talked.  I just recapped what he's said via text, and he could see/admit that it wasn't right.  I talked about what I said above.  I left lots of thinking time.  He apologised.  He agrees that it's not really hit him yet although he's had a couple of "low" points (when he sent the first text).  He also realises that it is never going to hit him while he's still using me for conversation and random chats like he used to.  And we discussed how, as we've been through so much pain, doing that is just dragging out the pain longer.

We want, in the long term, to be able to be friends.  The kind of friend that you might occasionally go for a pint with or chat to in the street or invite to parties.  Like my friendship with my dear friend P and another J, both of whom I am close to but have a "romantic" history with.  And that that point is year+ off, and will only come way after we've made a proper break.

And that if we don't make the break now, it's going to be especially painful when the other person meets someone new.

Basically, he's lonely and he misses me/company and is avoiding dealing with it.  He won't be doing that anymore.

We've made a plan. 
Long term aim: Friends.  Short term aim: smile and nod at the gym.  "business" texts only e.g "help I'm locked out of my house"!.  (We've decided to stay as the spare key holder for each others house (neither of us really know anyone else to do it).).  And we might consider going for a pint in a month or so.
Long term aim: own stuff at own houses.  Short term aim: there is a room at his house that has my stuff in.  It can stay while I clear space in my granny's garage for it but I have everything I need day to day (the only stuff left is stuff the other uses and we don't). 

I'm pleased.  We also gently, respectfully talked over everything.  Like a debrief.  I feel like I worked through a lot this evening.

We genuinely care about eachother and have a huge amount of respect for eachother.  I do think that whoevers rules we follow, it might take different courses and time but we can come out the other side with that respect for eachother intact.  I know that because I've been there before.  The time where there was no respect there was anger, hurt and bitterness. 
« Last Edit: October 21, 2010, 03:55:23 PM by pesto » Logged

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kellybean
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« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2010, 05:49:04 AM »

Is that a poke in the ribs at me, kb?

Well, of course, I don't see any parallels at all.  The One is after commitment like stink on sh!t.  From The One's perspective, I might come off like J, actually.

I'm not pokin you EA.  Should I?

I think pesto did a good thing for herself is all.
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If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.
EnoughAlready
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« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2010, 06:50:18 AM »

I just thought you were poking me in the ribs since your comment wasn't addressed and followed mine.  It wouldn't matter to me if you were poking me in the ribs and I can see that I'm wide open for criticism about giving advice that I don't follow, so perhaps it was just me.

But, anyway, I don't want to hijack . . .
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kellybean
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« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2010, 07:19:47 AM »

I just thought you were poking me in the ribs since your comment wasn't addressed and followed mine.  It wouldn't matter to me if you were poking me in the ribs and I can see that I'm wide open for criticism about giving advice that I don't follow, so perhaps it was just me.

But, anyway, I don't want to hijack . . .

Nah.
I'm not here to poke at anyone.

Although I wouldn't mind being 'poked' myself.

*daydreaming*
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If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.
EnoughAlready
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« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2010, 07:42:19 AM »

Somehow, I don't think you mean on Facebook . . .
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kellybean
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« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2010, 08:23:40 AM »

Somehow, I don't think you mean on Facebook . . .

*batting eyelashes*

However; maybe I should just take you over my knee EA. Deal out some discipline. Kiss
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If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.
EnoughAlready
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« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2010, 08:59:48 AM »

It could work.  I have been very bad lately and rather naughty.  I may have just needed a spanking.
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